Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't want my vagina anymore.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
