just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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