oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
