I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
