Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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