Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
