So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
