Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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