I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
