Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
