people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
