Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
