hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
