remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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