mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
