I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
