some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
