There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
