I just saw a hot homeless man
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize