i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
