I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
