I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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