and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
