My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
