I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
