Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize