last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
