Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
