i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
