well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
