just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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