my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize