stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
