i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
