i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
