I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
