i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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