I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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