Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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