I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
