The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
