Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
