How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
