6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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