you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
