Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
