Already got asked if we're dating
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
