I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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