Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
how do you play pong handcuffed?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
