I met the friendliest cop last night
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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