that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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