We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize