so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my liver is dry heaving
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
