In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
