the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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