new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
