these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
