My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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