You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
