You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your room smells of hookers.
And success
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
